Bloodhound Gang - I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks Lyrics

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If your ass is a Chinese restaurant, I'll have the Poo Poo Platter. 

My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec class 
Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass 
I said guys I'm like you I like Monster Trucks too 
Wanna see how many pushups I can do? 
I just wish I was queer so I could get 

Chicks dig guys that are 
Queer guys that don't dig 
Chicks that don't dig guys like me 
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly 

But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be 
Incognito as a gay though but not actually that way though pseudo homo phony 
Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity 
But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry 
Scoring with a supermodel would be easy 

'Cause supermodel means voluptuous but also is synonymous with superdumb 
Ya see I'd be a good listener so she'd treat me like a sister and soon I'd become 
That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair 
No it wouldn't take a week before I'm in her underwear 
I wish I was queer so I could get 

Chicks dig guys that are 
Queer guys that don't dig 
Chicks that don't dig guys like me 
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly 

Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim it's what's in my genes 
The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean 
See I'm not too keen on the smell of Vaseline 
No I'm not Princess Di and I don't wanna be a queen 
I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks 

Anyway if I were gay I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis 
Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip he's got a lisp he talks like this 
And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway 
And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant-garde ballet 
I wish I was queer so I could get 

Chicks dig guys that are 
Queer guys that don't dig 
Chicks dig guys that are 
Queer guys that don't dig 
Chicks dig guys that are 
Queer guys that don't dig 
Chicks that don't dig guys like me 
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly 

And I don't shave my heiny 
Don't shave my heiny 
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly 

And I don't shave my heiny 
Don't shave my heiny 
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly 

And I don't shave my heiny 
Don't shave my heiny 
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly 

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lyrics corrected by Ogaly Mogaly, or just Maddy B