My mother said
that I never should
never play with the naughty rude girls in the wood
Their giggling talk I could never understood
And thats why I fell in love with my right hand

(Chorus)
And thats why
I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
And does me good like it bloody well should
I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
And im always pulling my pudd

I was 25 years old
before I was kissed
and then I found the I prefered
a swift one off the wrist
Its cheap and convenient
and you cant catch VD
Its avalible at anytime and its absolutly free

(Chorus)
And thats why
I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
And it does me good like it bloody well should
I'm wanker
I'm a wanker
and im always pulling my pudd

Oh Mrs Palm
and your 5 lovely daughters
Thank you for having me
and being oh so kind
I've got pains in my arms
and my donkeys growing shorter
My knees have turnt to water
And I think im going blind

I've wanked over Italy
I've wanked over Spain
I've wanked in an omibus
I've even had a wank in a train

I've used a badger
and a melon
and a cat
a inflatable Linda Lovelace
and a David Crocket hat

(Chorus)
And thats why
I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
and it does me good like it bloody well should
I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
and im always pulling my pudd

Oh Mrs Palm
and your 5 lovely daughters
Thank you for having me
and being oh so kind
I've pains in my arms
and my donkeys growing shorter
My knees have turnt to water
And I think im going blind