Weird Al Yankovic - Your Horoscope For Today Lyrics

Send "Your Horoscope For Today" ringtones to your cell

Aquarius!
There's travel in your future when your tongue
freezes to the back of a speeding bus.
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing
whack-a-mole 17 hours in a day.

Pisces!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos 
with the Ebola Virus.
You are the true lord of the dance
no matter what those idiots at work say!

Aries!
The look on your face will be priceless
when you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon.
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf
then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

Taurus!
You will never find true happiness.
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,
do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again
by your explosive flatulance.
Your love life will run into trouble
when your fiancee hurls a javelin through your chest.

Cancer!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend
the rest of the week face down in the mud.
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
while taking your driver's test.

Leo!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
and staple it to your boss's face (oh no!)
Eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding
then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick

Virgo!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent--
EXCEPT FOR YOU!
Expect a big surprise today
when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable,
or at the very least, 
a bit unlikely that the relative position 
of the planets and the stars 
could have a special deep significance
or meaning that exclusively applies to only you...
But let me give you my assurance
that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid scientific documented evidence!
So you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize 
that every single one of them is absolutely true---Where was I?!

Libra!
A big promotion is just around the corner
for someone much more talented than you!
Laughter is the very best medicine.
Remember that when your appendix bursts next week!

Scorpio!
Get ready for an unexpected trip 
when you fall screaming from an open window.
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem-
--you stupid freak.

Sagittarius!
All your friends are laughing behind your back-- 
--Kill them!
Take down all those naked pictures 
of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.

Capricorn!
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person--
but you know they're lying--
If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows
and never, never, never, never, never leave my house again!

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today!

Send "Your Horoscope For Today" ringtones to your cell

lyrics submitted by Jack Becker
lyrics corrected by Jasmin on 06-03-2009